Me and My Money

Me and My Money

Posted November 25, 2011
Originally Published September 29, 2008

This is a personal advice column with a difference, it’s about money. Which means, of course, there won’t be any sex – well, maybe a little. Certainly no discussions about annoying siblings and in-laws – uh, well possibly some. But absolutely no counsel for the lovelorn – on second thought, can’t promise that either.

The reason for the caveats is simple; it’s impossible to separate money from our relationships; those with lovers, families, children, neighbours, friends, co-workers and the most important relationship of all, the one we have with ourselves.

Despite its importance in our lives, money has been the last relationship frontier and the final social taboo. But given the turmoil in the global stock markets and financial institutions, that taboo is quickly becoming a thing of the past. Last week Nick Cohen, a columnist with the Evening Standard in England described traditional attitudes to money this way. “Our finances were private. Exposing them to others demeaned them and you – the conversational equivalent of stripping off and dancing around naked at a dinner party.”

Today it’s a whole new financial world. “Everyone’s blabbing now,” Cohen wrote.

Those who cleave to the philosophy that money isn’t everything, think again. Money is our constant companion, truly the only thing besides breath itself that accompanies us from cradle to grave. The lack or mismanagement of money by our parents when we are young profoundly affects our health, education and career opportunities.

A failure to understand money and poor spending habits as an adult will spoil your life and prospects for the future. And if you have an irresponsible attitude to money it can be as a big a turn off to prospective partners as narcissism, slovenly habits or a predilection for pornography.

Addictions, whether to drugs, alcohol, gambling or even sex, are frequently traceable to money. How many people spending their hard earned dollars at the slots or lottery kiosk are hoping for a quick score to right their sinking financial ship? And how many affairs can be attributed to a relationship which has foundered on the rocks of financial stress?

Recent studies have found that financial woes are the second leading cause of marital breakdown, after infidelity, and the third most common culprit, after personal health and family problems, of workplace absenteeism. It all amounts to a huge social problem.

Sarah M., for example, is feeling the pain of living on a different financial planet than her husband.

Q: I stick to a monthly budget, always pay my bills on time but my husband is the opposite. He never pays off his credit card balance and sometimes doesn’t pay the minimum. He has tons of unpaid parking tickets. We just bought our first house with $15,000 down each, then I used $18,000 of my savings for renovations and we took out a $20,000 joint line of credit to finish it. How can I help him become a better saver so I’m not always hounding him?

A: I’m not very happy that you put $18,000 into your renovation and then also took on responsibility for a renovation credit line. You’re rewarding him for being careless with his money and penalizing yourself for being careful. A better approach would have been to put off renovations until he had the cash to participate.

You absolutely must get on the same page or this financial disconnect will wreck your relationship. The trick is to make him care more while you have to care a bit less in order to find some middle ground. Perhaps you can start the process by offering to stop bugging him about his parking tickets and his daily spending, if he agrees to participate in a joint savings program with a sum to be automatically debited from both your accounts.

Some of the saved money can be used to pay down your joint line of credit with the remainder set aside for something you both care about like a vacation or something special for the house. And you can have the joint satisfaction of paying for it in cash. Just make sure the account requires both signatures for withdrawals!

You’re not going to turn your husband into Mr. Thrift overnight. This is a long process requiring patience and lots of communication.

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