Me and My Money

Spendthrift brother-in-law draining the family purse...

Posted November 25, 2011
Originally Published July 16, 2009

Q: My wife and I make a good living. We do not spend extravagant amounts of money on useless things. This allows us to splurge on some nice things like an annual vacation. But my wife feels the need to give money to one of her brothers all the time.

He purchases expensive electronics and spends lots of money on golf. Recently he bought a membership to a club for $10,000. On the other hand he is behind on his mortgage and taxes and my wife’s parents and siblings keep bailing him out and thereby condone his actions.

I don’t mind helping someone out if they need money for food or shelter. He claims to be depressed and whenever he gets into financial trouble he starts talking about suicide. This happens on a regular basis. What can I do without damaging my relationship with my wife and her family? I can't continue this. DW


A: No, you certainly can’t. Continuing down this, now, well-trodden path will prove disastrous to you, financially and emotionally. But let’s back up a moment.

First of all, understand that money is connected to emotions in a powerful way. It is also associated with our sense of self-worth and how we use or abuse money demonstrates, in some measure, the state of our self-confidence.

What might appear to be a generous act of giving money can actually be an expression of our need to love or be loved. And, reluctance to deal with financial issues within a family is often a symptom of fear – fear of rejection by a partner, sibling or parent, for example.

When it comes to siblings, money and success often create barriers in adulthood. The childhood closeness of a brother and sister begins to dissolve as one grows into a fulfilling career with financial rewards while the other remains stuck in a dreary job and a paycheque to paycheque existence. Financial gifts may help the “lucky” one recapture that childhood relationship and appease a nagging sense of guilt about having succeeded while the other failed.

Your wife, her parents and siblings are bailing out your brother-in-law for a reason. I doubt that keeping suicide at bay is it; though such threats are certainly attention getting. I suspect whatever drives them to fork over money goes back a long way and reaches deeply into the family dynamic.

Everyone in this unhealthy picture needs help, including you. But getting to the bottom of the reasons for the current situation could cause rifts. It sounds as if your wife’s family is acutely aware of what each other is doing financially for your brother-in-law. Quietly withdrawing your wife’s participation in the bailouts will undoubtedly be noted and possibly resented. (We’re helping poor Josh, why aren’t you?)

Some of your wife’s family may be as unhappy with the state of things as you are. So tell her that you would like to have a family meeting, including the spouses and partners of the siblings, to discuss your concerns. If you find even one ally you will be on your way to convincing your wife that her handouts are threatening your marriage. You must be perfectly clear to her about this even if she maintains she can do whatever she likes with her money.

Also, be clear that this is not about you being niggardly in the face of your brother-in-law’s need. You wouldn’t buy alcohol for an alcoholic. Giving money to him is encouraging a bad habit. While you are applying the brakes to financial largesse offer some constructive help to your brother-in-law such as paying for therapy to deal with his suicidal feelings.

There is no easy solution to this problem, which is far more common than you might imagine. If the other family members refuse to work with you then devote your efforts to helping your wife set aside her compulsion which could take some time. Remember, this isn’t just about the money; it is about the very (and often tender) foundations of family.

post a comment about this blog

*Display Name:

*Comment:

*type captcha text:

We reserve the right to remove any comment we see unfit for use on this website.