Alison in PRINT

Thumbs down on dorm life, but parents say no to solo living...

Toronto Star - August 6, 2009

Q: My 91-year-old father has always handled money well for himself and my mother. But I am noticing receipts for on-line purchases, such as electronics, he doesn’t even get out of the box. I also think he is buying and selling risky stocks in their RRIFs. I feel I need to get involved but I’m not sure what to do. Anne M.

A: Taking over parents’ financial affairs is one of the hardest things children must do. I have been through this. Fortunately, my father had the foresight to want to have me involved before he needed any help.

Acknowledge that your father, at 91, has done a great job of financial management. But tell him you’re concerned about what will happen should he die before your mother. It will help him see the issues without his ego involved.

A good first step is working together to pay the bills and check credit card statements. This should be a non-threatening way of involving yourself.

Assuming you will be the one to manage their affairs; your parents should grant you Power of Attorney for Property and Personal Care. Most elderly parents understand the benefits. Go to www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca and click on Power of Attorney under Public Guardian. Also, check that a will is in place and an executor named. It makes sense for the same person to do both.

Next, make sure you have a list of all accounts plus log ins and passwords. Here’s where it can get tricky. Your father may trust you implicitly but sharing this may feel like an invasion of privacy. However, if he becomes unable to make decisions re-creating his access information will be a nightmare.

I have found it most useful to have my name included on my parents’ bank and investment accounts. Even with power of attorney banks can be extremely reluctant to allow transactions without the parent present.

If you are concerned about mismanagement because of things like memory loss or confusion check your parents’ accounts on a regular basis. Red flags include frequent and large cash withdrawals, cheques to individuals you can’t identify, purchases such as the ones you mentioned and unnecessary trading in investment accounts.

If any of these flags appear it is time for a frank discussion about allowing you to fully take over their affairs. Diplomacy, patience and objectivity are essential. No one wants to be accused of messing up financially and for many seniors it is yet one more loss of liberty.


Q: I am enrolled in university for first year this fall. My problem is residence. I had one experience in a dorm and I hated it. My parents won’t pay for an apartment so I want to work for a year first. They are afraid I will end up in too much debt. How can I persuade them to agree with me? Kira

A: We parents often have our hands hovering over the panic button when it comes to our kids. You think your parents are most concerned about debt. I suspect they are also concerned that you will decide working appeals to you more than studying and worried that you aren’t ready to live on your own.

But deal with the debt issue first. My own daughter has made the transition from dorm to shared apartment and the costs have been fairly similar.

Do some research and put everything on paper. Compare the costs of dorm with shared apartment and a university meal plan with shopping for yourself. You can also point out that the infamous freshman 15 – 15 pounds of first year fat -- is less likely to happen if you are cooking (not dialing for take out) your own meals.

Once you deal with debt the real issue may make itself apparent. Examine your own feelings and if you want to work for reasons other than avoiding dorm life, be honest with your parents and talk it through.